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 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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Sarah
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Thu Sep 10, 2009 3:24 pm

First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 12:50 am

With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter.

I wanted something that was easy on gas and could zip me to the store and
about town.

This seems to meet my EVERY need.

I love it!


Remember:

Senior Citizens Are Valuable:


We are more valuable than any
of the younger generations:

We have silver in our hair.

We have gold in our teeth.


We have stones in our kidneys.


We have lead in our feet and.


We are loaded with natural gas


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 12:50 am

B&Q SCAM


I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a really close call yesterday.

I walked into B & Q store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on, asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the b**ger out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Pass this warning on as you might meet the same guy yourself...


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 12:55 am

The Aussie said 'One.'

The manager groaned and continued 'Just one? Here in Harrods, our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£108,637.64', the Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed '£108,637.64? What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to Harrods car sales and I sold him a Cayenne ...'

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?'

'No, no, no...he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said...'Well, since your weekend's stuffed, you might as well go fishing.'

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 12:59 am

An older man approaches an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"
Excuse me, I can`t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "
Of course Sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"
I have no idea,"
then explained, "
But everytime I talk to a woman like you, she seems to appear out of nowhere."


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 12:59 am

My Dear Wife:
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight .'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

' My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:-


18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:01 am

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "
Tie me up,"
she purred, "
and you can do anything you want."

>So he tied her up and went golfing.
>**************************************************
>A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "
Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

>The husband said, "
Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"
Doesn't matter,"
she said. "
Just get out."

>**************************************************
>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
>**************************************************
>A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's licence.
>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

>'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>
>"
Can you read this?"
the optician asked.
>"
Read it?"
the Polish guy replied, "
I know the guy."

>**************************************************
>Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
>"
I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

>"
Thank God,"
said an elderly nun at the back. "
I'm so tired of chardonnay."

>
>**************************************************
>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>"
Careful,"
he said, "
CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

>
>The wife stared at him. "
What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

>
>The husband calmly replied, "
I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."



Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:02 am

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2007
>
>6th Place
>
>It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
>
>'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
>
>'What are my choices?' the man asked.
>
>'Yes or no,' she replied.
>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>5th Place
>
>A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
>
>As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
>
>Without blinking an eyelid she said,
>
>'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>4th Place
>
>A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
>
>She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
>
>The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>3rd Place
>
>The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
>
>'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
>
>The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
>
>When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>2nd Place
>
>A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
>
>A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
>
>Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
>
>Cars are backed up for miles.
>
>Finally, a police car comes up.
>
>The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
>
>And said to the driver,
>
>'Got stuck, eh?'
>
>The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
>
>'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
>
>I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
>
>A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
>
>The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
>
>When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
>
>'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:03 am

BEFORE THE MARRIAGE

John-Ah! At last, I can hardly wait
Jane -Do you want me to leave?
John -Oh NO! Don't even think about it
Jane- Do you love me?
John Of course! Always have and always will
Jane-Have you every cheated on me?
John- NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane- Will you kiss me?
John- Every chance I get
Jane- Will you hit me?
John- Hell NO Are you crazy?
Jane-Can I trust you?
John-Yes
Jane-Darling


AFTER THE MARRIAGE

Now read from the bottom to the top


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:10 am

Party Wear

> *A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy
> dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his
> wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
> *
> *A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
> *
> *Dear Sir,**
> Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
> cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as
> a Pirate.
> *
> *The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
> writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another
> parcel and note:
> *
> *Dear Sir,**
> Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
> The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
> will really look the part.
> *
> *The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has
> gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald
> head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days
> later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying
> letter:
> *
> *Dear Sir,**
> Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
> We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick
> your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple.*

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:11 am

HIS IS TOO CUTE - Love the Footnote!
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord


My shape to keep

Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.

Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,


And thank you Dear Lord

For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman...

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon , people will think we're nuts.'


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:13 am

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad” . With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice.
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant. Joan said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the Woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for us and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better;
she sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
David

P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you! Please call me when it is safe for me to come

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:29 pm

Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant

[][]
There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to ****us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

[]

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logicalarrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

[]
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys! []

[][]
and... of course - forward this mail! []


[][][]

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:31 pm

Why .....do Tesco's make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why . ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why? Good question.

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:33 pm

Husband of the year awards

The honorable mention goes to:

The United Kingdom

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followed closely by...

The United States of America


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and then...

Poland


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but 3rd Place must go to...

Greece


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it was very very close but the runner up prize
was awarded to....

Serbia

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but the winner of the husband/partner of the ! year is.


Ireland . Ya gotta love the Irish.

The Irish are true romantics, look, he's even

holding her hand...


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Woman has Man in it;


Mrs. has Mr. in it;


Female has Male in it;


She has He in it;


Madam has Adam in it;


Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnecologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a.. HISterectomy.


Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and no   Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:54 pm

Unforeseen design problem??

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