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 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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Sarah
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Thu Sep 10, 2009 3:24 pm

First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:56 pm

I love both the last 2 and yes the Irish are know for their romance and it shows in the pic

Love the bridge one too I bet there were some red faces when the sun came out
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:04 am

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

>>>
>>
>>>
>>>

'Look Paddy.....
there's that friggin idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Thu Nov 05, 2009 7:41 pm

> Bottle of Wine
>
> A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday
> morning;
it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished,
but
> amazingly either of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
> After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
> drivers.
> The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow,
> just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This
must
> be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the

> rest of our days.'
> Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be
a
> sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed
to
> drive.'
> The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car

> is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
> God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She
> hands the bottle to the man.
> The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle
> and then hands it back to the woman.
> The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to
> the man.
>
> The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
>
> The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
>
>
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
> Women are clever, evil witches.
> Don't mess with them.

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Thu Nov 05, 2009 7:43 pm

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down;
that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some bullets.

Love, Jimmie

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Thu Nov 05, 2009 7:47 pm

IF you receive an email

from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat

canned pork

because of

swine flu............


Ignore it.



It's just Spam.

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Thu Nov 05, 2009 7:53 pm

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you..

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses .

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12.. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Thu Nov 05, 2009 8:01 pm

All funny I wonder if Chris has read the one about the Spam ? he has posted about his possible swine flu I think its in the media section

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Thu Nov 05, 2009 8:17 pm

[align=center:248dlz1l][You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
[size=150:248dlz1l]Beautiful Blonde Pole Dancer

[size=150:248dlz1l]Please scroll down . .





































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[size=200:248dlz1l]GOTTCHA!!

[size=150:248dlz1l]May you always have enough HUMOUR in your life!
I knew you couldn'
t resist scrolling down to look!!!




[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][/align:248dlz1l]

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Thu Nov 05, 2009 8:37 pm

You had me going then I thought I was on the wrong site very good
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sat Nov 07, 2009 3:53 pm

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 08, 2009 2:58 pm

An Illinois man left the cold streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 08, 2009 3:00 pm

ENGLISH COUNCIL COMPLAINTS FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY


These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:



1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his ****** against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road;
every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19.Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 08, 2009 3:03 pm

For Petrol Heads!

he Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower!

Oddy

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Sun Nov 08, 2009 9:54 pm

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to th e groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself;
this is going to hurt! !! !! !






'WE HAVEN'T EVEN
SWEPT TOGETHER!'

............. ..........................
Oh for goodness sake... , or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy...

Sounds to me like she's ....... !
......been ......sweeping around!!!

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive and not for the younger generation ?   Mon Nov 09, 2009 7:28 pm

Brilliant [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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