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 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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Sarah
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Thu Sep 10, 2009 3:24 pm

First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sun Aug 26, 2012 10:17 am

:Very funny 2:Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "
Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"
?

Cashier: "
It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"


Clegg: "
Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"


Cashier: "
I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."


Clegg: "
Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."


Cashier: "
I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."


Clegg: "
I need this cheque cashed."


Cashier: "
Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"


Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "
Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."


Cashier: "
Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Mon Aug 27, 2012 9:38 am

The Olympics

The Romanians have taken Gold, Silver and Bronze..............and copper and lead, and any other metal they can get their thieving hands on!!

-----------------------------------

The sailing results are in. G.B. took the gold, USA took the silver, Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.

-----------------------------------------------------

I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics, but then if they could run they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The pub quizmaster asked : "
What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, Paddy came up with an answer:
"
Chinese,"
he replied
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Sep 11, 2012 11:37 am

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,







'Please ...... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Wed Sep 12, 2012 9:02 pm

I took my son out for his first pint yesterday.
I got him a pint of Stella Artois,
He didn't like it so I had it.
Then I got him a pint of Carlsberg,
He didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with the Guinness, Bitter, Mild and Cider ...
By the time we got down to the Jack Daniels and Brandy!!!!!
I could hardly push the ruddy Pram ...!!!!!

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Wed Sep 12, 2012 9:10 pm


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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Wed Sep 12, 2012 9:25 pm

:LMHO:A Roman Catholic priest is driving down the Constantia road when he comes across a baboon

lying dead in the road.

He contacts the Cape Town police to inform them of his find.

A cocky black desk sergeant laughed and said: "
Did you give it the last rites?"


"
No"
said the priest "
I thought I'd inform his next of kin first"
.

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Thu Sep 13, 2012 5:30 pm

g





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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Fri Sep 14, 2012 9:06 am

The Olympics
The final round of the hammer throw event comes down to:

A Russian soldier, a Bulgarian farmer, and Larry, who lives with his parents. The Russian throws first: 85 meters. Interviewed later, he says, “I’m from a military family, which gives me discipline.” Then the Bulgarian throws: 88 meters. He tells reporters, “I’m from a farming family. This gives me strength.” It’s Larry’s turn. He slings the hammer 95 meters, winning gold! Later, he explains, “I’m from a long line of lazy people, and I was taught, ‘If anyone ever puts a hammer in your hand, throw it as far away as you can.’”
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Fri Sep 14, 2012 9:20 am

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the 2012 Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I Speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the Wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?” g
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 02, 2012 8:00 pm




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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:58 pm

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to her and explained, "
We didn't have the green thing back in my day."


The clerk responded, "
That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."


She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right;
we didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the
clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right: we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on
electricity.

But she's right;
we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service..

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to
find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person, who doesn't know s--t from sardines!
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 30, 2012 10:44 am

Has any member got any funny or unusual names for people and/or streets
Here are a few to go on with
Pishill, Fanny's Inn, Penis Close, William Anker, (Estate Agent) A R Sole (Undertaker)
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 30, 2012 7:26 pm

Well, there I was, minding my own business, sitting in the lounge watching TV, when Mrs Briggs came in. 'Whats that on the telly' she asked.
'DUST' was my immediate and witty reply. She's still not speaking to me.......
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 30, 2012 7:33 pm

Now that I have lots of time on my hands I have become aware of many things that puzzle me, some are listed below

Why do farmers put gates at the muddiest part of the field.
Why is the slowest part of the day called RUSH HOUR
What is the point of wasps
Do crabs think we walk sideways
Why dont sheep shrink in the rain
If people from Poland are called Poles, why arent people from Holland called Holes
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 30, 2012 6:59 pm

chrisbriggs wrote:
Now that I have lots of time on my hands I have become aware of many things that puzzle me, some are listed below

Why do farmers put gates at the muddiest part of the field.
Why is the slowest part of the day called RUSH HOUR
What is the point of wasps
Do crabs think we walk sideways
Why dont sheep shrink in the rain
If people from Poland are called Poles, why arent people from Holland called Holes

Hey CB you do have too much time on your hand but keep em coming

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