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Sarah
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Thu Sep 10, 2009 3:24 pm

First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Thu Nov 01, 2012 11:55 am

Husband takes the wife to a disco.



There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.



The wife turns to her husband and says:



"
See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."




Husband says: "
Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

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PostSubject: Funny !   Wed Nov 07, 2012 5:59 am

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football;
you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
— with Lionel Erasmus, Tracy J. Smith, Rebecca Oginski, Sharon Elizabeth Rojas and Harry Bentley.






Like · · Share







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Joan Cordiner Sounds good I love scones with cream and strawberries and a nice cup of tea.,also number of vacation Days Brits get

17 minutes ago · Like..











Jibran Sarwar So funny...

14 minutes ago · Like..











Judy Ferguson Excellent!

13 minutes ago · Like..











Colleen Lee spot on......rather

12 minutes ago · Like..











Avran Brian seen it, funny, but she knows full well who killed JFK and we in the States would like her to 'fess up over the killing of her own daughter-in-law. no I am not joking.

11 minutes ago · Like..











Stuart Godfrey Absolute pisser, lmao!!

about a minute ago · Like..















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itchyfeet
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Wed Nov 07, 2012 7:25 am

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.


He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'


Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'



Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... how do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please,please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....

I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Armani leather shoes...!
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chrisbriggs
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Nov 13, 2012 6:14 pm

An American couple were touring through Wales. They stopped for lunch at the beautiful village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogoch. Before they ordered the wife said to the Blonde Welsh waitress 'Hey Honey can you tell us where we are, but can you say it very very slowly'. The waitress leaned forward and said....
(Scroll down)
















'Burr... Gurr... King'
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Wed Nov 14, 2012 4:43 pm

A ventriloquist was staying with his frend, who was a farmer, for a short holiday. One dat the ventriloquist said to the farmer, 'Do you mind if I have a word with your dog? The farmer thought it a bit strange but said 'Go ahead' The ventriloquist asked the dog how he liked life on the farm and the dog replied 'Its good, I get fed, have a nice place to sleep in the warm and I get plenty of exercise' The farmer was amazed. Next the ventriloquist asked the horse how he liked life on the farm, and the horse replied. 'Its great, I have a nice warm stall,get rubbed down every day and he cleans my stall out every morning and gives me oats to eat' The farmer cant believe this. Next the ventriloquist turns to one of the sheep and the Farmer screams, 'Don't believe a word she says, She's a born liar that one'....
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Thu Nov 15, 2012 6:52 pm

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Wed Nov 21, 2012 7:00 am

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "
When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"
I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."


The second guy says, "
I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."


The last guy replies, "
I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Wed Nov 21, 2012 8:43 pm

:LMHO:7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "
When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"
.

The teacher asked, "
What if Jonah went to hell?"


The little girl replied, "
Then you ask him"
.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "
I'm drawing God."


The teacher paused and said, "
But no one knows what God looks like."


Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "
They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "
honor"
thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "
Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"


Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "
Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "
Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"


Her mother replied, "
Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."


The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "
Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"
Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "
And there's the teacher, she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "
Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."


"
Yes,"
the class said.

"
Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"


A little fellow shouted,"
Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "
Take only ONE. God is watching."


Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "
Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Mon Nov 26, 2012 7:25 am

A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they still had lots to do and became rather upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone and used it to call her husband and ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: "
Darling, you remember that jewellers shop where you fell in love with that necklace we could not afford and I told you one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered: "
Yes darling, I remember that shop.."

"
Well,"
he said "
I'm in the pub next door.

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Mon Nov 26, 2012 7:37 am



For all those who were on the razzle last night!!!!


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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sat Dec 01, 2012 9:03 am

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "
Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"


His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered: “Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."






"
Well,"
he said, "
I'm in the pub next to it!"

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sat Dec 01, 2012 9:05 am

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "
foreplay"
as she likes to call it! Angel

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sun Dec 09, 2012 11:20 am

H H
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said,
"
Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my
boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.. When all the
other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on
was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk
right then and there!"


***************
The engaged woman giggled and said, "
That's
pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday,
he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice,
black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding
date!"

*********************

The married woman put her glass down and said, "
I
did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to
stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I
slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt,
black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got
home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down
and yelled,
'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner ?'.

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sun Dec 09, 2012 6:00 pm


An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "
Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."


"
Dad, what are you talking about?"
the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "
I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,"
and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "
Like hell they’re getting divorced!"
and calls her father immediately. "
You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "
Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."


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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Wed Dec 12, 2012 10:11 pm

g
Paddy an Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and Paddy said, "
Potato and cabbage! If I get potato and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."


The Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "
Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


The Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "
Haggis again. If I get a haggis one more time I'm jumping too."


Next day Paddy opens his lunch box, sees potato and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.

The Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral the Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "
If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!

The Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "
I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the Irishman’s wife. "
Hey, don't flipping look at me"
she said. "
Paddy made his own lunch"

g

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