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 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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oddball
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:26 pm

First topic message reminder :

Ok Willow here you go!

Gardening made easy!
An old man living alone in South Armagh,
whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "
For HEAVENS SAKE,
don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried
the guns!!!!!"

At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,
but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him
what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "
NOW plant the potatoes!"

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sat Jul 06, 2013 5:41 pm

bgbazz wrote:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.

A doctor on TV said, to have inner peace, we should always finish things we start and we will all have more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started &
hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Jin, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a boks a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all who need inner pizz. An telum u luvum!

And now you've been a piggy and consumed everything in the cupboard, what's left for poor old Dougie???

:: Drunk all mine g Dougie s

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sat Jul 06, 2013 5:49 pm

hey it looks like i am missing a party lets all join in :: :Sunny:It's good to share hic hic [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sat Jul 06, 2013 5:54 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
hey it looks like i am missing a party lets all join in :: :Sunny:It's good to share hic hic [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

g

If My Body Was a Car!

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus,
and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Fri Jul 12, 2013 1:52 pm

THE OLD GOLFER

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late fifties and
the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "
I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be
good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a
gun. Who wants to try out first?"


The girl says, "
I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she
throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "
I've never seen a
display like that in my life."


He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "
Can you top that?"


The tough old golfer replies,

"
No problem, just get that lion out of there."
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Thu Jul 18, 2013 11:59 am

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years &
I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today &
that was the last straw. Last week, you came home &
didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal &
even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, &
went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore;
you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband &
wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore;
whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER &
I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you &
I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, &
I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you &
felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job &
bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell &
Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Fri Jul 19, 2013 7:24 pm

This asshole of a girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"
Is that Tooheys or Fosters?"

I said, "
There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."



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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Fri Jul 19, 2013 7:26 pm

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her boobs.
"
Really"
she said, "
Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
"
Come on, what day was I born"
?
I said, “Yesterday."

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Fri Jul 19, 2013 8:32 pm

Skinny little pommy bloke on an Aussie beach, surrounded by the usual crowd of tanned, bikini clad girls, sidles up to the lifeguard and asks..'how come all these girls hang around you and take no notice of me?' The well muscled, tanned lifeguard glances down and says with just the hint of a sneer and says..'go buy yourself a pair of Speedos, two sizes too small and stuff a big, brown potato in them..that'll work, for sure'.

Two day later, same beach, same blokes..little guy says..'Oi, that didnt work at all..what's ya game?..Lifeguard has another sneery look and says......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Try again, matey, but this time put the spud down the front of the Speedos.
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:43 pm

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "
Can I help you?"


"
Yes"
she said, "
I'd like to report a case of sexual assault"
.

"
Where did it happen?"
the Sergeant asked.

"
In the park just down the road"
she replied.

"
Can you describe what happened?"


"
Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me"
.

"
Could you give me a description of him?"


"
Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg"
.

"
Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman"
, said the Sergeant.

"
Yes"
, said the lady, "
He was an Aussie Cricketer"
.

“That's very observant"
, said the Sergeant, "
You worked that out from his accent?"


"
No"
, she replied. "
I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long"
.

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sun Sep 01, 2013 8:06 am

:Very funny 2:This is just pure class....


An illegal alien, in Polk County , Florida , who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "
executing"
the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "
Because that's all the ammunition we had."


Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

The Coroner, in the same spirit, also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes.

When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE ever) . . ..

"
When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sun Sep 01, 2013 8:18 am

I know you may think I have a sick sense of humour, but I haven't stopped laughing at the sheriffs answer. Then again I am an ex bobby, lol
Ray
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Wed Sep 11, 2013 1:39 pm

The story goes that when Annie was very young, her Grandpa told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a teaspoon full of gunpowder on her porridge every morning, without fail.

Must be something in that, because Annie lived to be 107 years old, leaving behind 8 children, 33 grandchildren, 98 great grandchildren, 16 great great grandchildren and...............................a bleedin' great hole where the crematorium used to stand!!
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 08, 2013 4:50 pm

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral Director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the graveside and looked down and saw that the vault lid
was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low and my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"
I've never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."



Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 08, 2013 5:30 pm

I must be lost too..here's another man thing.

We had a long power outage last week..my TV wouldn't work, my playstation wouldn't work, my computer wouldn't work and it was raining, so I couldn't go and play golf..nothing else to do, so I decided to talk to my wife.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I discovered that she's a really nice person!




Sorry ladies, must be a man thing.
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Thu Oct 17, 2013 5:07 pm

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.



My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches, his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b**tard, I was talking to the cat!'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
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