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 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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oddball
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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:26 pm

First topic message reminder :

Ok Willow here you go!

Gardening made easy!
An old man living alone in South Armagh,
whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "
For HEAVENS SAKE,
don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried
the guns!!!!!"

At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,
but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him
what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "
NOW plant the potatoes!"

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Thu Oct 17, 2013 5:32 pm

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Fri Oct 18, 2013 2:12 pm

Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.

Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.

Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

No, you must get a new one.

I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Sorry, you must get a new one.

OK, roses

Sorry you must use more letters.

OK, pretty roses

No good, you must use at least one numerical space.

OK, 1 pretty rose

Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

OK, 1prettyrose

Sorry, you must use additional spaces.

OK, 1f**kingprettyrose

Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

OK, 1F**KINGprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

OK, 1F**kingprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

OK, 1F**kingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightf**kingnow

Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used.

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Fri Oct 18, 2013 2:15 pm

Baptising A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk,
so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again,

'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers,
'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher asks the drunk again,
'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sat Oct 19, 2013 5:21 pm

Love it Ted
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Thu Oct 24, 2013 2:47 pm

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 29, 2013 5:06 am




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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 29, 2013 7:27 am


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade...
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house,
He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both..
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything....
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says "

What's the food like here?"

The lions say:
Absolutely brilliant,
Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 29, 2013 9:55 am

Wrinkled old chap wanders in to the barbers shop for a shave. The barber has trouble shaving his cheeks, so fetches a smooth wooden ball from his cabinet and instructs the old fellow to put it in his mouth to puff each cheek out a bit.

Old guy asks..what happens if I swallow it?

No worries, replies the barber..just bring it back in a couple of days, like everybody else does!!
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 29, 2013 6:23 pm

Everyone complaining about the storms consider yourselves lucky.

I heard a story where a young girl and her dog were swept away to a land full of little people, witches , flying monkeys, (who in my option were just caught in the storm), a scarecrow , tinman, a lion and a Wizard.

Now that is too crazy to be just made up.

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Oct 29, 2013 7:13 pm

Did you ever discover who was dressed up as the wizard?
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sat Nov 23, 2013 3:59 pm

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool,lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:45 pm

:Very sad:I'M GONNA FIND YOU!!!!!

I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas too!
I just got home to find all the windows wide open!! They've taken everything. it's all gone! I'm waiting for the police!
The dirty rotten thieving beggers. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person?

You are not human. You are low life scum!!!!!.............

That was my advent calender and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:51 pm

WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE UK.
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q &
A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sun Dec 29, 2013 6:33 pm

This will put a smile on your face. g


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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:39 pm




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This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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