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 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

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PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:26 pm

First topic message reminder :

Ok Willow here you go!

Gardening made easy!
An old man living alone in South Armagh,
whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "
For HEAVENS SAKE,
don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried
the guns!!!!!"

At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,
but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him
what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "
NOW plant the potatoes!"

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:54 pm

Phew!!!! this is hard work!! ::

To make it stand, you wet it ! To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it! To get it in you push! 'BLIMEY', threading needles when you get older is no joke !

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive an   Sun Jan 19, 2014 11:52 pm

To make it stand, you wet it ! To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it! To get it in you push! 'BLIMEY', threading needles when you get older is no joke ! g

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Thu Feb 20, 2014 10:19 am



Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Midway airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "
Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "
I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "
No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Sat Feb 22, 2014 8:31 pm






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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Tue Mar 04, 2014 9:02 am

Great add....

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] ... e-the-end/

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Thu Mar 20, 2014 9:24 am


Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Fri Apr 04, 2014 6:25 pm

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"
Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years.

You've taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.

My favourite musician Michael Jackson.

My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.

My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

My favourite singer Whitney Houston and

My favourite scientist Patrick Moore.


I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown, John Bercow and Harriet Harman.''
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Fri May 23, 2014 6:23 am

I pinched this for Facebook


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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Tue Jul 01, 2014 10:02 pm




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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Tue Jul 22, 2014 6:24 pm

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "
Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."


"
Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."


The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"
Yes?"
said the Instructor.

"
I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This level of sensitivity can't be taught.
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Sat Oct 04, 2014 2:16 pm



g

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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Tue Oct 28, 2014 4:59 pm

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked why? He replied miserably.. "
My wife missed the bus"
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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Tue Oct 28, 2014 7:31 pm


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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Fri Dec 12, 2014 5:31 pm



Make sure you listen to all of it all the way to the end.


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PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   Thu Jan 22, 2015 9:55 am

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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